Invisible
by BeautifulxxDisasterx
Summary: Lilly Truscott was found dead after committing suicide. Now Miley begins to piece together the puzzle as to why through the pages of Lilly's journal. mostly journal format
1. Prologue: The Discovery

_Summary: Lilly Truscott was found dead 3 weeks ago. The cause of death, suicide. Mostly journal format._

_Okay, so basically, I have nothing to say about this. _

_Disclaimer: I did not come up with the idea for this story. All the credit goes to wish-upon-a-falling-star. I got this story from her story. Go read hers. It's called "My Best Friend's Suicide Diary." And it's very good. I don't own Hannah Montana, but I DO own the writing. _

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Chapter 1 – Prologue-The Discovery

Have you ever thought that everything in your life was perfect, then by one phone call realized that it was far from it? I know how you feel.

I'm Miley Stewart, and for the longest time I thought my life was perfect. My boyfriend was Jake Ryan, and he loved me. I had a best friend. I was teen pop sensation, Hannah Montana. I had an awesome family. That all changed in one instant. In one instant, my whole world cam tumbling down around me. I got one phone call that changed everything.

That call told me that Lilly Truscott, my best friend, had committed suicide.

Ever since I found out, my life has been different. I haven't been able to do concerts because every time I try, I break down on stage because 'Lola' isn't there cheering me on from the side. I haven't gone to school because I can't breathe when I walk by her locker. I can barely be in my own room because every time I go in there; the memories of Lilly and me come flooding back. Lilly's death has torn me apart.

That brings us to where we are now. Oliver and I had agreed to help Lilly's mom clean out her room. At this moment I was slowly climbing the stairs, knowing I was about to collapse any second. I stopped outside the closed door and took a shaky breath.

"Are you ready?" Oliver asked. I nodded, and Oliver swung open the door. The blue walls that I had painted with Lilly stared back at me. The photos of us three together mocked me. The closed bathroom door still seeping out the potent smell of bleach reminded me that things weren't as great as they seem. Blood always was the worst stain to get out.

I shook my head, trying to push that thought out of my head. Ms. Truscott (the divorce has finalized a couple months ago) came in looking distressed.

"I'm really sorry kids. The office just called and there's been an emergency. I have to get down there now. Will you be okay by yourselves?" I stared at the woman standing before me. Her eyes had dark bags under them. She was as thin as a rail. Her once full blonde hair was now wiry and thin. This was not the woman who listened to all of mine and Lilly's problems. This wasn't the woman who was like a second mom to me when I moved here. This wasn't the woman who said that no woman needed a man because we could take care of ourselves. No, this was not the lively Julie Truscott. That woman had left, leaving a shell of a woman behind.

I robotically nodded, and she attempted a small smile before leaving the room.

"I guess we should get started." Oliver said awkwardly. I nodded before heading over to the bed. I began pulling off the sheets, but stopped when something black caught my eye. I pulled out a notebook with the words **PROPERTY OF LILLIAN JANE TRUSCOTT **scrawled across in Lilly's messy handwriting on the front and losses papers shoved inside. I flipped it open, but shut it instantly. This was Lilly's journal.

I stared at the journal for a few moments. I didn't know if I should read it or not. I knew she would kill me if I read it if she were…but she's not. And it won't hurt anything.

"Umm…I have to go grab something from my bag." I muttered before rushing out. I quickly went downstairs and shoved Lilly's journal in my backpack I had brought.

By the time Oliver and I were done, there were many other things of Lilly's I couldn't leave without, accompanying the journal inside my back pack. Oliver and I went our separate ways, my anxiety growing with each step I made towards my house.

I made it to my house and rushed to my room, ignoring my dad saying it was time for dinner. I kicked off my shoes prior to sitting on my bed. I pulled out the notebook, and moved from my bed to my favorite chair. I took a deep breath before opening the flimsy notebook.

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_So there's the first chapter. I really hope you liked it, especially you, wish-upon-a-falling-star, if you're reading it._

_Review please!_

_And if you haven't read 'My Best Friend's Suicide Diary', GO READ IT!_

_--Lani_


	2. Not What It Seems

_So its been like forever since I've updated this, but I just couldn't think of how to start this dang thing. So here I am, updating. Hopefully it won't suck, but it might. Just a warning._

_Disclaimer: If I have to keep telling you that I don't own Hannah Montana, I'm gonna bust a cap._

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**Chapter 2- Not As It Seems**

_January 7_

_Journal- _

_I'm not really sure why I'm starting this whole journal thing. I guess I just felt like I needed to release these feeling one way or another. And this was the only way that I thought I could._

_Don't get me wrong. I have friends. Lots of them!_

_Okay, so I have two, but that is so besides the point. _

_One of them is Miley Stewart, aka, Hannah Montana. Yeah, my best friend is the famous singer Hannah Montana. I would never tell her this, but it gets kind of annoying sometimes. I know she doesn't mean to, but she gets kind of egotistical at points, like any other famous person. She starts to think that she's the best and she's so lucky and blah, blah, blah. And I swear, if I hear one more song about her stupid double life, I'm going to scream._

_But, Miley's awesome. She sweet, she's funny, I can talk to her about most things. My only other problem with Miley, is that I just feel like maybe I can't talk to her about the real serious stuff. I feel like it might get a little...awkward? I don't think thats the word I'm looking for, but thats kind of it. She has this bubbly personality that I feel like I would be tearing down if I talked to her about these types of things. But I can talk to her about everything else. That doesn't really make sense does it?_

_Oliver Oken is my other best friend. I have know him my entire life. Never been without him. Oliver...he's hilarious. He knows how to brighten my day. He just has this carefree personality that is a breath of fresh air. But Oliver also knows when to be serious. He can tell what mood I'm in, so he knows how to act. _

_I've also started to realize that I like Oliver- as more then just a friend. Gosh, that sounds so cliché. _

_Yes, my life seems so perfect. Thats when it turns around, takes a 180 if you will. My life is far from perfect. It seems so great on the outside, but its not if you look closely. Its easy to see if you actually try and see. But nowadays, people are so continually wrapped up in their own lives that they don't realize whats going on in other people's lives. Its human nature though. I'm in no place to blame everyone else._

_Maybe I should backtrack._

_I'm Lilly. I hate phonys, but I love being by myself so I can be whoever I want to be. I hate it when people sing a long to songs they don't know the words to. I love to stand on my roof and watch the sunrise because I feel like the sunset is an ending. I love to scream to words to songs and watch people stare at me like I'm insane. I love to run, but I hate exercise. I'm smart, but I hate school. I have an older brother and a younger sister. Kyle is cool, but Vicky is horrid. I secretly love listening to Japanese rock so that I can make up my own words to it. I'm in high school, and it sucks. I'm 16, so I can drive. I'm in love with Oliver Oken, but I'm too scared to tell him. I feel alone a lot of the time. Sometimes, I feel like I am living in the shadow of Miley. _

_There's me in a nutshell._

_Exciting, yes?_

_Its getting late, but I want to write down some words of wisdom. Just something that I think everyone should know. I mean, everyone has their one life lesson._

_My life lesson?_

_Nothing is what it seems._

_-Lilly_

Miley tried to catch her breath as she closed the journal. She couldn't take anymore. Not tonight.

The brunette went to go sit on her bed, and she tried to collect her thoughts. She never knew that Lilly had felt this way. She never knew that she had been so...Jake Ryan-ish. Miley found it slightly ironic that she ragged on Jake all the time for being so egotistical, when she had been the same way.

It was a big chunk to swallow.

For the teen, it was hard to admit that she didn't know everything. She hated to say that she was wrong. But in this case, she knew she was. She was just shocked that it had been this bad for so long, and yet she never knew.

She figured that Lilly was right.

Nothing is what it seems.

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_I didn't really like it, but it was alright. And all that matters is what you like. The plotline will definitely get deeper as we get to know what Lilly is like more. _

_By the way, Lilly killed herself in October. _

_Just thought I'd let you know._

_Review?_

_--Lani x3 you!_


	3. Be

_Haven't updated this in a while, sorry! This story really is just tough to get going on. A lot of planning to make sure everything fits, especially when dealing with the dates and suicide. _

_Disclaimer: -sighs- Plot, writing, Joe Jonas. Song is 'Fences' by Paramore._

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**Chapter 3- Be**

Miley Stewart took a deep breath as she stared at the journal in her hands. The knowledge she had gained the night before was still fresh in her mind, and she was scared of what was to come. But she also knew that she needed to know what was going through Lilly's mind when she did what she did. She needed to know why.

More so, she needed to know if it was her fault.

So she opened and read.

_January 12_

_Journal-_

_I always thought that I had one thing going for me. That I could be myself around everyone._

_But I just realized that no one is themselves._

_The day started out per usual, like any other day. Wake up early, slip on a cool outfit that everyone will compliment you on, apply some nice make up to cover up the things you don't want people to see, rush downstairs for a quick bite, brush the pearly whites, make sure your hair is perfect, put on your new designer flats, grab your Hollister bag, and head out for school in your shiny car that Freshman envy with green eyes._

_Everyday is the same._

_Everyday we're trying to hide who we are. And it doesn't matter if we insist that we are always just who we are, because we're not. It doesn't matter if we say we don't care about what other people think, because we do. We live in a world where judgment is key. Appearance matters, and we go through everyday making sure that it makes a lasting impression (er, a good one). _

_But we don't see what we're becoming. We're becoming each other, and the ones who try to break out of that are ridiculed. We're put into social groups at school and social status matters more then anything. _

_And when one sits back and watches, it all is a blur of the newest trends and the hottest brands with the occasional outsider- who we look down to. But in all honesty, we should be looking up to them instead. They are the ones who are searching deep inside themselves to find who they are. They're the ones trying to be who they are instead of trying to hide. _

_And when I see this, I can't help but feel slightly cheated. Because I've been living a lie my whole life. I haven't seen that everyone around me is the same, that everyone around me (including me) is hiding from who they are because they're afraid of what others will think of them._

_Its scary. Its hurtful. Its...I can't even really describe it. Its like an unknown feeling rising up in me. _

_I have to say that I feel like I've been lied to. You know that feeling when your best friend has just lied to you about something you thought they'd never lie about? Thats kind of what it was like. That stunned, painful, paranoia that sinks deep inside you to nestle, rest up before it attacks, destroying you from the inside out. Because the second someone's lied to you, you feel like they're always lying or that everyone is lying._

_And who knows? Maybe they are._

_But we'll never know all the lies told to us because we live a lie. Lies are just a way to settle that fear of judgment. _

_So what are we being? We should just be ourselves, but we're not. So what are we being? Are we being liars? Are we being cowards? Are we being phonies? Are we being judges? Are we being killers? Are we being hiders? Are we being anything at all?_

_Who really knows, yeah? _

_But if I could do one thing, just one thing, it would be to just be._

_-Lilly_

_January 13_

_Journal-_

_You know what I wrote about yesterday? All that stuff about being and hiding and fear? It applies celebrities, too. Maybe even more then us. All that radical stuff they do? Its because they don't want people to see them vulnerable. They are why we hide from the world. _

_And being the music freak I am, I couldn't help but stumble upon some lyrics that opened my eyes unto this. _

I'm sitting in a room  
Made up of only big white walls  
And in the halls  
There are people looking through  
The window in the door  
They know exactly what we're here for  
Don't look up just let them think  
There's no place else you'd rather be

You're always on display  
For everyone to watch and learn from  
Don't you know by now  
You can't turn back  
Because this road is all you'll ever have

And it's obvious that you're dying, dying  
Just living proof that the camera's lying  
And oh, oh, oh-pen wide  
Cause this is your night  
So smile  
Cause you'll go out in style  
You'll go out in style

If you let me I could  
I'd show you how to build your fences  
Set restrictions  
Separate from the world  
The constant battle that you hate to fight  
Just blame the limelight

Don't look up just let them think  
There's no place else you'd rather be  
And now you can't turn back  
Because this road is all you'll ever have

And it's obvious that you're dying, dying  
Just living proof that the camera's lying  
And oh, oh, oh-pen wide  
Cause this is your night  
So smile

Yeah, yeah you're asking for it  
With every breath that you breathe in  
Just breathe it in  
Yeah, yeah well you're just a mess  
You do all this big talkin'  
So now let's see you walkin'  
I said let's see you walkin'

Yeah, yeah well you're just a mess  
You do all this big talkin'  
So now let's see you walkin'  
I said let's see you walkin'

And it's obvious that you're dying, dying  
Just living proof that the camera's lying  
And oh, oh, oh-pen wide  
Yeah oh, oh, oh-pen wide  
Yeah oh, oh, oh-pen wide  
Cause you'll go out in style  
You'll go out in style

_Look at those! Sometimes, I just feel like Paramore has it all figured out._

_With celebrities, people are always watching them under a microscope, so how is it that we don't see the real them? How is it that we never see them truly vulnerable?_

_Its because they hide from it. They have to fear judgment more then anyone, but I guess now they've sort of gotten used it, been numbed from it. I'm sure they're still scared of it, though. Because if everyone knew who they really were, maybe we wouldn't look up to them as much._

_These people...they obviously need to set their boundaries. They go way outside boundaries and step over lines though because its the only way they can hide. But, of course, they blame the limelight. And they hate to fight their battles and the battles with the public._

_But they can't show us who they are because it ruins the image of perfection that they create to hide behind. We see them behind those photos, but those cameras lie, just like they are._

_Truth of the matter is, we're all dying._

_So smile wide, because at least we'll go out in style, right?_

_-Lilly_

Miley's head slowly rose from the page momentarily. She couldn't believe that Lilly knew all this, that she had figured out the human race. The brunette whose eyes were being opened had no doubt that her deceased friend had more to tell, and she also knew that she needed to hear it.

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_Again, more of something that Lilly believes in, that she's seeing. But every chapter, every idea, every single thing is important in this. Its not just hurt that causes Lilly to kill herself._

_Review, please loves?_

_--Lani_


	4. Holding Together

_So here's the dealio. I've written all of the chapter titles and a short summary about what happens in them. I have a pretty close idea as to how the story will plan out. And there will be roughly 28 chapters. So a long one here. My longest one, actually. I hope you enjoy!_

_Disclaimer: Joe Jonas, plot, writing. Do not steal, please._

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**Chapter 4- Holding Together**

_January 20_

_Journal-_

_Have you ever felt like you worked so hard for something, then found it being torn down? Or realizing you have only one person?_

_I know the feeling. _

_It all started when I got home from school today. I remember it clear as day, too. I slipped off my blue flats and dropped my pink backpack to the ground. There was a different feeling in the air, a feeling of somewhat tension, but more like change. I remember knowing immediately that something was about to go down. _

_I cautiously walked into the family room where I found my mom sitting on the chair with tears staining her face. My dad sat opposite of her, and his eyes were stone cold. They showed no emotion whatsoever. I had always known that my parents had their...disagreements. But they always seemed to work them out. It wasn't something to be questioned, and it wasn't something that was anything different. I mean, everyone's parents has disagreements, right?_

_Well anyway, I knew my parents had theirs. It usually revolved around my mom accusing dad of cheating on her or dad doing the same. Sometimes it involved money issues or even things with drugs. I knew the second I saw the two of them that they'd had another fight, but this one was worse. I could almost feel the hurt myself. It was shaking, right to the core._

_I vaguely noticed my older brother's music blaring from his room. Some Japanese Rock stuff he's always trying to get me to listen to. Whatever. _

_My feet moved themselves to the couch where my body sat me down. My eyes searched the two of them, trying to find any sort of inkling as to what had happened. My mom cleared her throat softly._

_"Lilly. Your...father and I have some news to tell you." her voice was hoarse, as if she had been screaming. I nodded._

_"Your mother and I have agreed that its time..." dad trailed off. I wish they would have stopped saying "your mother/father and I". It made me think that they were...separating themselves. I see now that they were._

_"Just say it, Michael. No reason to beat around the bush." my mom spat viciously. I glanced at her quickly._

_"Don't use that tone with me." my dad argued._

_"What? Does your secretary not talk to you like that? Is that why you want me to stop?"_

_"Oh stop acting sorry for yourself! You brought it on yourself!"_

_"Oh right! I asked you to sleep with your secretary. Sure I did." she yelled. _

_"Just-"_

_"Shut up!" I screamed. They turned to look at me with wide eyes. "Just tell me whats going on!" _

_I remember the feeling shifting at that moment. They became even more fidgety. Their eyes were glued to me, and mine shifted between the two of them._

_"Your mother and I have decided it would be best if we took a little break." Dad told me sincerely. For a split second, I actually thought thats what he meant. Just a break. People needed breaks, didn't they? It was normal._

_"She's not a child, Michael. She's 16." she turned to look ate me then, and I saw the regret in her dull grey eyes. "We're getting a divorce, Lil."_

_I remember my head starting to spin. My mind raced. My body went rigid. My ears are still ringing, still echoing even now. Some unknown feeling had risen up in me. It was uncontrollable. It was bubbling up inside me. I couldn't stop it._

_"No. No you can't be! Whatever it is you can work it out!" I screeched, bursting suddenly. My dad shook his head and walked over to me, trying to wrap his arms around me. I pushed him off, yelling at him not to touch me._

_"Its not something we can just work out. We've tried, but its just not there anymore." he said. I glared at him._

_"No. I have worked too hard trying to keep this family together for you to just throw it away. You can't sit here and tell me that its just not there anymore. You're just not trying enough. You can't toss away all my hard work. You just can't do it." I know I sounded immature, but its true. I found myself gluing my family together for years of my life. I fought to keep us together, and it hurt for them to throw that away. It was as if someone had thrown away your best schoolwork, that A test. _

_They had tried to tell me there was nothing they could do, but I didn't listen to them. I didn't want to. I didn't want to accept it. _

_I had stormed out, grabbed this journal, and headed to my brother's room. My brother, Nathan, and I are as close as we could be. I tell him everything, and I trust him with my whole soul. He's kind of like my other half. He makes me feel whole._

_As soon as I walked into the room, he wrapped his arms around me. He knew that I would break down, and I did. The two of us collapsed to the ground and held each other as I cried. There weren't any tears coming out, just sobs. Sobs that wracked me to my very core. He offered no comforting words, for I knew he didn't have any. It hurt him as much as it hurt me. _

_About an hour later, and he finally spoke._

_"He hits her sometimes, you know." he had whispered, and I'll never forget those words. I sniffled._

_"I know."_

_He cocked his head to the side._

_"He's um, he's done it to me a couple times, too." I murmured. A look crossed his face that still makes me feel sort of...sort of safe. I know it sounds weird, but he got so mad that his face was of uncontrollable rage, and I couldn't help but feel safe, like someone was watching over me. _

_As he tried to storm out of the room to do heaven knows what, I grabbed his hand and gave it a squeeze._

_"Its never anything major, Nate." I assured him quietly. He nodded, but still clenched his other fist._

_"It doesn't matter, Lils. He hurt you. Fine, he can hurt mom. But he can't hurt you." he objected through clenched teeth._

_"Hey." I whispered, and he looked at me with a flurry of emotions flashing through his deep blue eyes, "I'm okay, alright? I'm still standing. I'm not badly hurt. Just calm down, okay Nathan? I need you to calm down."_

_He held my gaze for a few more moments with his hand frozen on the doorknob. I pleaded with him through my eyes. I can still feel that feeling in myself. Panic, need, almost a rushed feeling. But he finally let his hand drop from the doorknob and squeezed my hand back. The relief that had flooded over me I can't even describe. It was...relief. There really isn't a way to describe it._

_But now here the two of us are, 3 hours later. We talked a little bit earlier. We knew we would stay together through everything, and we knew we would try not to get involved. It wasn't something either of us needed right now, but it was forced upon us. It's not something we can change or control, no matter how much we want to. So we have to stick together._

_I heard the door slam a few minutes ago after some screaming and packing. I'm pretty sure that dad is gone. Nathan sends me a look as loud sobs can be heard from downstairs at a soft part in his music. _

_"Turn it up." I whisper softly, and he does._

_He'll do anything for me._

_I can't imagine life without him._

_-Lilly_

_January 22_

_Journal-_

_This past day, I've spent my time with my brother. Whether its going to the store to get ourselves some comfort food or hanging out in his room, I haven't left his side. He's really the only thing keeping me sane what with dad gone to who knows where and mom at bars and clubs all the time. _

_I've also done a lot of thinking. I'm starting to question things I was once sure of. I mean, my parents being together was as sure as rain being wet. It was something that was constant. It made me feel safe. I never once thought that I would be that kid stuck in a divorce and a custody battle. I always thought that our family would stay together as a happy family._

_But now thats been ripped away from me. I can't help but wonder what else will be. Will all of my friendships crumble? Will I even be able to see my dad? Will I see my mom? What other things just aren't there anymore? There's an ongoing list of questions and uncertainties running through my head at all times. I question every move I make, I question every move others make that involve me. I wonder who else will hurt me._

_Then again, maybe thats part of life. Maybe everyone questions things, and maybe this is supposed to show me something. But I can't see what I'm supposed to be seeing. All I see is a blur of confusion, pain, and longing. _

_You know, Buddha always taught that desire and longing was the epitome of all human suffering and pain. Maybe he was on to something. Because I sit here, and I long for things to be how they were. This causes me pain. _

_Maybe he wasn't so insane after all._

_Now that I've got that down, I still wonder about everything. The most prevalent is asking myself 'Who's going to hurt me next?'. _

_Wouldn't you?_

_-Lilly_

_January 29_

_Journal-_

_My mom came home today._

_She's been gone for 8 days. I guess I shouldn't of expected anything more from her. She gets hurt, she runs away to some club to get drunk or get extra money stripping. _

_Nice mom, eh?_

_Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. She's absolutely amazing. But sometimes she just doesn't know where to go. She's not as sure of herself as she seems, and maybe thats one of the reasons she was always accusing my dad. Not that I blame her. He worked late most nights and came home with another woman's perfume all over him. I'd think he was cheating, too._

_Of course, he was, but thats besides the point._

_Point is, my family has been falling apart for a long time now, but I've been too bust trying Elmer's glue us back together when not even super glue would work. We had split into 3 parts, you could say. Dad, Mom, and Nathan and me. I didn't want to face the music, and I tried so hard to keep the four of us together. It just didn't work. And it wouldn't ever._

_I've been trying to hold together my family, when I just needed to let us fall apart._

_-Lilly_

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_Ta-da! Not too eventful (I guess) but it held A LOT of info along with some FORESHADOWING. So if you didn't really catch any of that, you might want to reread it. Big foreshadowing in this one. Well, not really big but it foreshadowed something big. Get it?_

_Anywho._

_Review, lovies?_

_--Lani_


	5. Stranger

_**Hello! So here's the next chapter. I just wanted to real quick say that yes, things changed a bit. When I first started, I didn't really have much of a plot in mind. When I actually developed a plot line, it made things change. I'm sorry if it bugs you! Happy readings!**_

_**Disclaimer: I own the plot, idea, writing, and Joe Jonas. Woot!**_

_..._

**Chapter 5- Stranger**

_February 3_

_Journal-_

_I would love to say that life has gone back to normal after my mom cam home. However, that's not really what's happening. I mean, school's the same. But Mom? Home? Those are much different. Let's talk about my day. Maybe you'll get a better perspective._

_I woke up this morning at 5:30, just like any normal day. Nate woke up to the alarm, then went back to sleep. I went downstairs to get my laundry from the night before only to find my mother passed out on the couch with a spilled bottle of vodka next to her on the floor and empty bottles littering the room. I had cleaned up the bottles and cleaned up the spilled alcohol on the carpet. I covered my mom with a blanket. I gave her a kiss on the forehead before leaving to get my laundry._

_I dressed myself like any other day (skinny jeans, pink t-shirt, one of Nate's hoodies), and then I applied my usual make up as my brother came into the bathroom, sleep still in his eyes._

_"Morning." he mumbled, giving me a short hug._

_"Hey."_

_"Did you see mom anywhere?" I had sighed. Mom had been passing out from alcohol all over the house lately. I nodded._

_"Downstairs, on the sofa." _

_"Well, at least she was on a piece of furniture." Under normal circumstances, I would have laughed. But there was nothing funny about this. I let out a wry laugh anyway._

_The weird thing about this morning, that exact moment, is that I remember clearly what Nate looked like. His hair was it's usual mess hanging in his eyes. His purple, thick rimmed, and square glasses were perched on his nose. He wore a pair of black skinny jeans and a Tokyo Hotel t-shirt with a red zip up thrown over it. For some reason, I just felt like I needed to remember him. I felt like in some way, I needed to commit him to my mind. I studied every feature of him, silently placing it into it's place in my memory. I got it so vivid, that if I think about him, I can still close my eyes and see him right there near me. _

_"Are you done with that?" he'd suddenly asked me, pointing to my eyeliner. I chuckled, handing him the make up._

_"Yeah. I am, you dork." _

_Nate only laughed as he applied eyeliner around his eyes. _

_Both of us were done pretty quickly, so I had made breakfast, we'd eaten, I'd left mom a note explaining where the leftovers were, and we were off. _

_School, I thought, would be completely normal. I hadn't let anyone see that I was being broken down inside. No one saw that things weren't as great as they have been before. I mean, I guess there's one thing that needs to be known about me: I hate pity. It is my least favorite thing in the entire world. It makes me feel like they think they're higher then me, that they have to sink themselves down to my level and offer their sympathy. It makes me feel like nothing. It's a horrible feeling. So I just don't tell people what goes on. The only person I tell is Nate because I know that he will offer me no pity. Everyone else pities me, so I just don't let them know. _

_And yet, as I walked into school this morning, I was greeted by a warm embrace as I had begun walking to my locker after hesitantly bidding my brother goodbye. I could tell just by the smell who it was, and I hugged them back automatically, any fear or doubt being pushed to the back of my mind. He held me for a few more minutes before finally releasing me._

_"Lils, I am so sorry." Oliver had stated, guilt edging at the corners of his eyes. I shot if a confused expression before beginning to travel to my locker._

_"Uh, for what?"_

_"Miley told me what happened. I feel so bad." he whispered. I entered in my combination, tensing slightly._

_"What do you mean? I haven't talked to Miley all week." _

_"She told me about your parents." he muttered, and I froze. How could Miley have known? I didn't tell her anything, and Nate most certainly didn't tell anyone, either. We both keep these things to ourselves. I remember starting to shake slightly, for I will never forget that very moment. I felt like an outsider. I knew that they had to have been having a little conversation about me in order for Oliver to have known. I felt like...I can't even describe it. It's just that feeling you get when you know you've been the topic of discussion. I felt extremely exposed and vulnerable. _

_There had been a long moment's silence in which Oliver was too afraid to breathe, and I felt too suffocated to breathe. I slammed my locker door shut as I turned to face him._

_"How did she find out?"_

_"She saw your dad leaving with a bunch of suitcases, said your mom followed after screaming at him to get out." he responded slowly, and I couldn't help but feel a little spied on. I mean, it's not every day you find out that someone had been watching your house. _

_The two of us walked all the way to first period in utter silence, not bothering to ask or tell. It was a strange sensation, really. There just wasn't something right about him, and I see now that he's hiding something from me. There's more to the story, he just hasn't told me yet. _

_By the time lunch had rolled around, I hadn't spoken a single word. I didn't know what to say, nor did I want to say anything at all. I headed into the cafeteria and scoured the throng for my brother. I found him sitting near the windows, already devouring his lunch. I had gone through the line and grabbed a water, a hot lunch (just in case you care, it was this pretty good turkey and noodles thing), mashed potatoes, and a Rice Crispy treat. I paid and headed over to my awaiting brother, ignoring the calls of Miley and Oliver. I just wanted to talk to Nate. _

_I plopped down across from him, and he looked up with a smile._

_"Hey little sis." I rolled my eyes and smiled back._

_"Hey big bro."_

_It was just some little ritual we always had. He would greet me as 'little sis' and him as 'big bro'. It seemed to make us feel like little kids again. _

_"How's your day been?" he inquired curiously, taking a bite of his food. I shrugged._

_"Crappy. Yours?"_

_"Same."_

_"Ah."_

_"Mhmm."_

_A comfortable silence settled in around us as we ate our food. I unwrapped my marshmallowy goodness and was about to take a bite when it was suddenly yanked from my hands. Nate took a large bite, then handed it back. Before I had time to yell at him for stealing my treat, he had begun to talk._

_"So what was with Oken this morning?" he questioned, slightly protectively. I heaved a sigh._

_"He found out about mom and dad splitting." I muttered. _

_"How?" his tone held an accusing edge, and I couldn't exactly blame him._

_"Miley was spying on me. She saw Michael leaving the house." Yes, he and I have taken to calling 'dad' Michael. He's not really much of a father._

_Nathan nodded thoughtfully, thinking of what our next move might be. We'd always been very careful about keeping our private lives private, so we never thought we'd be stuck in this type of situation. We didn't want people finding out because then they started getting nosy, worried, and annoying. Honestly, we were all better off without Michael. All he did was screw things up for us all. He was nothing, and we didn't need him. However, people wouldn't see that, they'd think we needed all sorts of help._

_Nate finally looked up at me._

_"There's not really much we can do at this point. She already knows, so just tell her that...that he and Mom got in a fight, and we don't know what happened." he told me, and I nodded. _

_"Alright. Hopefully she won't need any more information." I said with an eye roll. No offense to Miley, but she's a lost hope. She thinks I tell her everything when I actually tell her nothing. She just gets so dang nosy. Miley doesn't know when to keep her big southern mouth shut. Sometimes, I just want to get a hold of some duct tape and tape her whole face. I'd say just her mouth, but duct tape is easily licked off of mouthes. Not to mention she'd talk it off. She's just nosy, so when I said 'hopefully she won't need any more information', we both knew it was a lost cause. There's no way she wouldn't fire off question after question after question before asking me to hang out on Friday. I don't really want to._

_The bell had suddenly jolted me out of my thoughts. Nathan looked at me with a sad expression as he stood and gave me a kiss on my forehead._

_"See ya after school, little sis." he whispered. I kissed his cheek back._

_"See ya, big bro."_

_And he was gone._

_I had heaved a sigh and dumped my tray in the trash as I headed out to finish up fifth period. _

_The rest of the day carried on uneventfully, the time ticking by slowly. _

_You see, I hate being away from Nate. I absolutely do. It usually isn't that bad, but lately, I just can't be without him. It makes me feel anxious and nervous. My mom always used to say she thought we were twins, the way we are in tune with one another. I can always tell when he's upset or if he needs help even if we're miles apart or if he wants to be alone or if... well anything and vise versa. I'm closer with my brother then anyone else, if I'm gonna be honest with you. No one really knows that, though. _

_Except for this one time. When that whole Lucas deal went down, I had come home crying that night after I found out. I remember running upstairs into my room where Nathan came in a few minutes later. He just held my until my tears were completely dry. He had asked me why I was crying and the whole story just came spilling out. There was that look in his eyes, the one that made me feel safe, and I asked him what he was gonna do. He told me nothing, but I knew he was lying cause he hands were shaking real hard. I'd taken his hand and given it a squeeze. He'd laid me down, kissed my forehead, and rubbed my back until I'd fallen asleep. The next morning, I got ready for school and walked into the building with Nate's protective arm around my shoulders, and Lucas was right there. He was not looking too good, let me tell ya. His left eye was badly bruised, he had a bunch of bruises on him, and his nose was really broken. He took one look at Nate, screamed like a girl, and ran. Ever since, Nathan has been that overly protective dad that tells you're dates that they don't mind going back to prison as they nod toward their guns. But it's fine for me. I love him, and it's nice to know that he loves me._

_Well anyway, I hated being away from him. I was heading towards the front of the building in under 5 minutes after the final bell rang. Nathan caught me in a warm embrace, and we walked to the car together. _

_We had first gone to the store to get some stuff for dinner the next few nights (Nate's a fantastic cook). Then we headed home. Miley called about five thousand times, but I never answered. I don't feel like talking to her just yet._

_Nate's yelling at me to turn the lights off cause he's practically walking dead he's so tired, so I guess I should wrap this up now. _

_Hopefully, I'll finally get some sleep tonight._

_-Lilly_

_February 4_

_Journal-_

_I am beyond pissed. I just...ugh! I don't get why that stupid girl can't just keep her mouth to herself and shut up without having to know every dang detail of things that don't involve her!_

_I should explain, shouldn't I?_

_The day was normal, same as yesterday. Mom wasn't at home this morning, though. I'm not so sure where she is, and that's not exactly the first thing on my mind. Nathan and I got ready and headed off to school where absolutely nothing happened until lunch._

_Oh was lunch a joy._

_I was on my way to the lunch room, minding my own business, when Miley suddenly stops me, this annoying little look in her eyes._

_"You've got to stop ignoring me." she told me._

_"I'm not ignoring you." I lied easily._

_"Yeah right. Ever since Oliver told you I know about your mom and dad's divorce, you haven't said a single word to me."_

_"They're not divorced. They're just in a fight."_

_"I'm so completely sure. Come on Lils! I'm your best friend. I deserve a little more information then just that!"_

_"I don't know anything else, Miley. All I know was that I was up in my room, my parents started yelling, and then Michael was gone!"_

_"Then why do you call him 'Michael'? There's something you're not telling me, and you need to tell me, now!"_

_"I don't need to tell you anything! You don't have a right to things about my private life!" I'd screamed, drawing attention to the two of us. Miley rolled her eyes._

_"Oh come off it. You've never hidden things from me before! Why are you doing it now?"_

_"Because you're a nosy beotch!" I screeched before turning on my heel and storming out of the school. Last thing I heard was Nate yelling at her._

_And now I'm at some park that I'm not quite sure is in my town. I ran home and grabbed this old notebook before walking around until I came here. I guess that I just need to get away. I can't be around anyone anymore. I don't want to deal with any of it right now. It's all so stupid. Miley is, Mom is, I am, Oken is...it just all is. And now some weird kid over by the pond is staring at me. _

_I look up at him and glare. He smirks._

_Oh gosh. He's coming over here._

_Hold on. I'll write about whatever is about to go down later._

_This should be interesting._

_-Lilly_

_February 4_

_Journal-_

_Hale._

_His name is Hale, and he is gorgeous. With those piercingly electric blue eyes of his and that beautiful shaggy black hair and his arms all muscular and his face all sharp and his black skinny jeans and his blue t-shirt and his warm grey hoodie and his...oh just him. I could go on for pages about every little detail of him, describing everything he is and everything he made me feel._

_The look in his eyes is what started it all._

_All I knew at that moment was that some mysterious kid was heading over to me, so I had hastily thrown this shut and narrowed my eyes at him. I was about to threaten him with information about Nate's gun collection, but his eyes made me stop. They were full to the brim with electricity and emotion. They seemed to flash like a storm on the sea, and they sparkled with curiosity. That one pair of eyes still sits behind my eyelids when I close them. They held a swirling mist of all different emotions while holding an air of secrecy and mystery at the same time. I never knew that one pair of eyes could hold so much at once. It still blows my mind._

_"Hello." he had stated, sitting next to me on the picnic table._

_"Hi." I breathed, still caught up in his eyes._

_"Shouldn't you be in school right now?" he inquired, pulling me from my daze with a flood of memories from that day. I scowled._

_"I should ask you the same thing." I shot back. He chuckled slightly._

_"Touche." he said with a smirk. _

_"I should be going now." I lied with a glare as I grabbed my notebook and hopped off the table. _

_"Hey! Wait!" he called after me as I rushed away. His grip found my arm, spinning me to face him._

_"Why don't you just stay for a bit? We can grab a bite to eat, and you can tell me what your deal is." he suggested. I shifted my weight from foot to foot in contemplation._

_"Didn't your parents ever tell you that talking to strangers was a bad idea?" I inquired. He laughed._

_"Sure they did. Doesn't mean I listened."_

_And the two of us were walking to a small diner near the other side of town, or so he informed me. _

_"Let's start with names." I ordered. "I'm Lilly."_

_"And I'm Hale."_

_"Why are you at a park in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon?"_

_"I hate school. You?"_

_"I hate the people in my school." I had responded, making him nod in agreement. It was only silent for a few moments before Hale asked a completely ridiculous question, in my opinion._

_"So you have a boyfriend, right?"_

_"No. What in the world would make you think that?" I inquired with a laugh. He looked slightly shocked._

_"Your hoodie is too big for you, not to mention it smells distinctly of men's cologne." he pointed out. I chuckled._

_"I can promise you this is not my boyfriend's."_

_"Well then who's is it?"_

_"My brother's." he shot me a skeptic look. "My brother is Nathan, and he and I are extremely close. He's also a senior." I added boldly, letting the unspoken threat hang in the words._

_"And what are you?"_

_"What are you?"_

_"A sophomore."_

_"Same here." I had answered._

_"Wait, where do you go to school?" he asked. I shot him a look. "Right. I go to Seaview High. Bloody stupid school."_

_"I go there, too." I commented. He had stared at me for a few moment, trying to conclude if I was lying or not. He shook his head slightly._

_"I knew I'd seen you somewhere before." s_

_I had nodded, although I wasn't sure I'd ever seen him before. I'd remember seeing those eyes if I had in the past._

_"So why are you here? And tell me the true reason this time." he said with a slight smirk. I heaved a sigh._

_"I just got in a fight with one of my friends today. She's one of those people who tends to be extremely nosy all the time, and she just doesn't know when something isn't her business." I told him carefully, not sure if I wanted to reveal the whole story._

_"What did she bug you about, I mean, if you don't mind me asking." I found it rather considerate that he would ask if I minded. I shrugged._

_"My parents got in a fight, and she saw Michael, my so-called dad, leaving the house. They're getting a divorce, but I just told her they got in a fight. She kept wanting to know more and more and more. I just don't know how to handle her." _

_"Ah. If it were me, I'd tell her to butt out. It's none of her business what's going on in your life."_

_"That's what I told her." I sighed as I sat on the shore of the beach we'd somehow managed to end up at. He sat next to me._

_"There's something else bothering you, isn't there?" he inquired after a short silence. I'm still not sure how he knew that there was more, but he did, and I'm not one to question things like this._

_"I've been thinking a lot about everything lately. I guess I've started questioning things I never knew and things I always knew. I'm beginning to get things sorted out, and I'm starting to see who people are. The human race is coming clear now that I've thought about it."_

_"I know what you mean. But see, the way I see it is that people suck. They're gonna let you down and tear you down, and we're left to fight our way back up until we're standing. In no way will we ever have everything figured out by the time we pass on to leave this world behind. It's not something that's possible, for the world has so many different sides to it that not even the most educated have solved. Nothing fits together in this crazy world we so coincidently reside in. It just doesn't, and there comes a time when one needs to accept that." he took a breath. "I'd like to think that I have myself figured out, that I fully understand. But I don't. I believe that we meet people for certain reasons, that everything we do and say will one day contribute to this mess we happen to call reality. It's not nice and it won't offer any mercy to anyone, for life isn't fair. Even if one thinks it is, it's the worse for them because they haven't seen more then half the world who currently reside in a box on the side of the road or a rundown one bedroom apartment. No one really sees that, which doesn't seem to make sense. Life doesn't work together, and it never will. And even though I may seem to you right now that I have things worked out, I honestly don't. I'm just as clueless as the next guy that passes by. But there are certain things I just know, and now you do, too."_

_We spent the next 3 hours together, talking about this hell hole scientists have called the earth. _

_And now I sit here, wondering about all we discussed. I wonder if what I said justified what I think. I wonder how he got to be so informed. I wonder how long this is going to last. But most of all, I wonder why I don't feel any sort of attraction towards him. He is the epitome of perfection, and yet, I just feel like he's my best friend._

_I'm crazy, aren't I?_

_I guess I've known that for a while now._

_-Lilly_

_..._

_**And there it is. 7 long pages, no joke. And that's not even all I wanted to put in here, I just needed to post because I know you guys are probably way past angry at me. **_

_**I hope this made up for it.**_

_**Review, please lovies?**_

_**-Lani**_


	6. Can You See Me?

_**Arg. So here's the next chapter. I want to give a big thank you to my new beta, **_Luvs-Mitchel-Musso,**_ and if you've been highly anticipating the update of this story, I would suggest thanking her. Because my brain absolutely HATES me right now, I couldn't think of any way to start this chapter, and Millie, er, my Beta, helped me think of a way to start it. Without her, I'd still be banging my head against the wall, questioning why this stupid freaking writer's block always had to plague MY mind. But, she's a genius, so I haven't had to do that. Lately, it's just been a matter of me being lazy...so that's why it took so long. Sorry about that..._**

_**But anyway. Yeah. You're getting an update now, so be happy and thank **_Luvs-Mitchel-Musso.**_ Thanks again Millie!!_**

_**Disclaimer: I own the plot, the writing, Hale, Nathan, and any other characters that you have never heard of before in your life, unless I say otherwise. Anything else is purely the workings of some other person plagued by ideas and plot bunnies. I feel bad for them. Although...this person IS making millions off of their plot bunnies, so maybe I wouldn't complain if I were them...hm, something to ponder...**_

_..._

**Chapter 6- Can You See Me?**

_February 15_

_Journal-_

_In some way, I think I knew that I wouldn't be able to stay apart from her for long. I mean, she's been my best friend for years. I've told her almost everything that has happened to me, she knows when I'm upset, she knows who I am...or at least, who I let her think I am._

_The truth is, Miley's just innocent, and when it comes to what I'm going through, I just can't believe that she could take it. While she's still my best friend besides Nathan, she just doesn't know what I know about this world. She goes along in her perfect little bubble of joy and rainbows and pop music and her little songs and crushes and cute boys, but she doesn't know what it's like to have that bubble popped. My bubble popped the second I started realizing what this world was about. Nothing's real and a lot of stuff sucks, and Miley just doesn't realize that yet._

_Listen, it's not that I don't trust Miley. That's not it at all, although I do question her telling other people the things I tell her. It's just that...well I don't want to be the one to pop her bubble. She deserves to have that bubble popped at the right time. I'm not going to go and crash all this stuff down on to her, and that's why I don't tell her everything. I don't want to pop that bubble for her. She needs to pop it herself at the right time. _

_Anyway, today I had been hanging out with Hale at the mall, more talking than shopping, when we ran into Miley. She smiled slightly._

"_Hey."_

"_Hey."_

"_Do you think...do you think we could talk?" she inquired. I could tell that she was nervous. _

"_Yeah, sure." I told her, giving Hale a little nudge._

"_Are you sure you'll be alright by yourself?" he asked. I rolled my eyes._

"_Yes Hale. I'll be fine. Now go. I need to talk to Miley by myself." _

"_Alright. Well, I'll be over in the food courts, okay?" _

_I nodded and gave him a hug before he left. I then turned to look at Miley. _

"_So...is he your boyfriend?" she questioned. I chuckled._

"_Not at all." _

"_Really?"_

"_Yeah. He's just a friend. I met him about a week ago after..." I trailed off. Miley looked up at me._

"_About that. Listen Lilly, I'm sorry. I just-"_

"_No Miley, I-" _

_Miley held up her hand._

"_Let me talk, okay?" I nodded._

"_Lilly, I am sorry for what happened. I never meant for you to get hurt or feel like I was invading your privacy. I was just worried about you. I know how much your family staying together means to you, and I guess that I just wanted to know what was going on so that I could help you out in the best way I could, you know? Lils, you are my best friend, and I hated feeling like I couldn't help you. I've noticed that you've been a little off lately, and all I wanted to do was know why. I felt so helpless, Lilly. I felt like I was a terrible friend for noticing that you were sad and not doing anything about it. I just...I wanted to be able to try and do something about it. I know now that I went about it in the wrong way, and I am so sorry that I did that and that you got hurt. That was never my intention and I hope that somehow you can forgive me for doing that." she apologized. I smiled at her and pulled her in for a hug._

"_You're forgiven Miles." I whispered in her ear. _

"_Thank you Lilly. That really means a lot to me."_

_For a couple minutes, we just stood there, and I didn't want to have to go back to that hectic world that was there. I knew that the second I let go, I'd have to face everything else in this world. And I just wanted there to be something that could hold that back, even just for a little while. _

_Eventually, Miley stepped back and wiped a tear from her eye._

"_You do know that you can talk to me about your parents, if you ever need to, right?" she said. I smiled._

"_Yeah, I know."_

"_So...tell me about Hale." she suggested with a smirk and a hint of suspicion, linking her arm with mine. I laughed._

"_Well, he's smart and cute, obviously. I guess that he's just nice to talk and listen to. He has such a different perspective on everything __than__ most people I hang around, which is sort of a breath of fresh air. I like having that around. He's nice, although he's got a bit of bitter side to him. He's also rather blunt. But seriously Miley, Hale is just a guy that I met at some park last week, and we've been hanging out ever since." I explained. She chuckled._

"_Yes, but how about his kissing?"_

"_Miley!" I exclaimed, giving her a little shove, "We're just friends, I promise you that."_

"_Oh that's right. You like Oliver. Sorry, I forgot." she said nonchalantly. I rolled my eyes._

"_Whatever Miles. Whatever." I muttered as we entered the food court and found Hale._

_The rest of the day was pretty much spent hanging out with Miley and Hale. Surprisingly enough for me, they seemed to get along pretty well. Or, so I thought. _

_Later on, when we were leaving the mall, Miley insisted that she take me home._

"_I really can take her, Miley. It's no problem."_

"_Hale, I live closer to her, and I haven't talked to her in a while. Just let me take her home, okay?" she ordered. She didn't sound like she was upset or anything, but I could tell that something was bothering __her. Hale shrugged._

"_Okay then. See you later Lilly." he said, giving me a short hug, "Bye Miley."_

_The two of us headed towards Miley's car in silence, me having decided to wait to talk to her until we were in the car. However, I didn't wait long to ask. Just after she had pulled out of her spot, I broke._

"_So, what's up?"_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_Oh don't try that with me, Miles. I know when something is bothering you, and something is bothering you. Just tell me."_

"_Promise you won't get mad?"_

"_I promise."_

"_I don't like him." she bluntly told me. I looked at her._

"_Don't like who?" I asked, trying to be sure that it was who I thought it was._

"_Hale, Lilly. I don't like him one bit."_

"_Well, why?"_

"_He just...he doesn't settle with me well. There's something off about him, Lilly. He gives me a bad vibe." she explained._

"_A bad vibe?" I said with a smile. Miley glanced at me, a serious look in her brown eyes._

"_You know what I mean. I don't think that you should hang out with him anymore."_

_I looked at her incredulously. _

"_Miley!"_

"_Well! What did you want me to do? Pretend like I didn't feel it?"_

"_Or just not feel it at all. You spent one day with him Miley. You can't go passing judgments on him when you just met him. Thats not fair."_

"_I'm not passing judgments on him, Lilly. Believe me, I don't like feeling like this. But I got a feeling inside my gut that made me feel like he's not a good person. He freaks me out."_

_My gaze shifted to the window, and I let my eyes follow the quickly passing scenery. I heard Miley sigh, and she put her hand on my knee._

"_Listen, could we not fight about this? We just patched things up, and I'd hate to have a guy come between us." _

_I turned to look at her and offered a smile._

"_Yeah. Just give him a chance, okay?" I asked as we pulled into my driveway. _

"_Alright." she said with a nod. Suddenly, she smiled. "Hey, how about you sleep over at my house tonight."_

"_What?"_

"_Oh come on. We haven't done that in like, months. We'll just hang out, eat a bunch of junk, watch movies, talk about boys. It'll be just like old times." _

_I felt a smile slowly spread across my lips. _

"_Okay."_

"_Yeah?"_

"_Yeah. Just let me run in and grab a few things."_

"_Okay."_

_And thats just what we did. The two of us did everything that we used to do, right down to our old movie pajamas. We went to a local grocery store before her house and bought a ton of junk and stuffed our faces. We laughed and talked about a lot, played around in the Hannah closet, danced around, watched movies. It was probably the best time that I have had in months. It was just like it used to be. No divorce, no fights, no Hale or bad feelings. Just the two of us. _

_I've missed that._

_Now it's way late, and Miley just fell asleep. I'm pretty exhausted myself, so I'm gonna hit the sack now. _

_I'm happy right now, you know that? _

_It feels like things are finally just right. _

_-Lilly_

_February 26_

_Journal-_

_I'm happy for her, I really am._

_Okay, maybe that's sort of a lie..._

_Maybe I should explain myself. _

_Today started out like any other day. I did my usual morning routine of getting up, checking to see if mom was home (she's not. I want to call the police, but Nate thinks that she just gets home real late and leaves real early), getting dressed, doing my make up, making breakfast, and heading out to school with Nate. We then meet up with Hale outside the front of the school and talk for a bit before going inside and going our separate ways. _

_Now, usually, I meet up with Miley at my locker, but this time, no one was there. I simply shrugged my shoulders, thinking that she was just running late, and preceded to gather my things. Once that was done with, I shuffled my green Converse high tops along the floor of the school in the direction of my first period class, meeting up with Oliver along the way. _

"_Hey." he greeted. _

"_Hello."_

"_So how are you?" he asked._

"_I'm okay. And you?"_

"_I'm good."_

"_Oliver?" _

"_Yeah?"_

"_Do you know where Miley is?" I inquired, having not seen her yet today when usually we at least meet up before the classroom. But even as we stepped in to first period, she wasn't there._

"_Uh, no, I don't believe I do, now that I think about it." he answered with a shrug. I sighed._

"_Thats-"_

"_I'm here, I am not late!" Miley's voice exclaimed just as the tardy bell rang. Our teacher glared at her from the front but pointed to her seat anyway. She smiled and headed over to her seat next to me. I sent her a curious look, for she look quite disheveled. Miley shook her head and mouthed "later". I shrugged my shoulders and turned my attention to the front of the class. _

_By the time lunch had rolled around, I was extremely anxious to know what Miley was going to tell me. Just as I was walking into the lunchroom, I was pulled into a janitor's closet and came face to face with Miley._

"_Why are we in here?" I asked, confusion setting in._

"_Because no one can hear us in here." she whispered. I cocked my head to the side._

"_Explain."_

"_Well, this morning I was running late because I was sort of making out in a different janitor's closet with..." she trailed off. _

"_With who?" I exclaimed. _

"_With Jake."_

_I froze. _

"_Jake...as in Jake Ryan?" _

"_Kinda."_

"_Oh my gosh Miley! When did this happen? I didn't even know you liked Jake!"_

"_I didn't either! But this morning, as I was walking to your locker, he just pulled me in there and kissed me."_

"_He just kissed you?"_

"_Yes!"_

"_And you kissed him back?"_

"_Yes!" she said as she sunk down to sit on the floor. I sat next to her._

"_Wow."_

"_Just a little bit."_

"_Well, did he say anything to you after it happened?"_

"_I think he said that he had been waiting to do that for a long time, but I'm not sure. He said it just as I was leaving."_

"_And you haven't talked to him since?"_

"_No..." she muttered. I looked at her._

"_Do you like him?" I inquired. She glanced up at me and bit her lip. _

"_I...I think so. I just...when I was kissing him, I felt like nothing in this world mattered. It didn't matter what we'd been through before. It didn't matter that I was in a janitor's closet or that I was running late. It didn't matter that we hadn't spoken in months. All that mattered was that we were there, together, and that we were finally together again. Being with him made me feel like I was the most important person in the world, like things were finally falling into place. Just being near him makes my heart race and my palms sweat. Its like no other feeling in the world." she explained. I nodded. _

"_It seems like you like him, Miles...a lot." I concluded. She smiled up at me._

"_Really?"_

"_Yeah. Really." _

"_Should I tell him that?"_

"_I think you should."_

"_Okay." she gave me a hug and beamed at me, "Thanks Lils. You always know what to do."_

"_Its what I'm here for."_

_So I left that room, went back to the lunchroom, and pretended like nothing had happened. _

_I couldn't help but feel jealous as I watched her walk in and talk to Jake, watch her kiss him and smile at him. Because they had finally found what I had been trying to find. They found each other, they found that someone to be there for them always, to hug and kiss and hold. They found someone to love. And no matter how much I try to deny it, I want that in my life. _

_And I want it with Oliver._

_Boy this sucks._

_-Lilly_

_March 3_

_Journal-_

_Remember when Miley and I were talking about Hale, and she said that she didn't want a guy to come between us just after we had finally made up?_

_She killed that. _

_Seriously. She slowly tore that up, stomped on it, stapled it down to the ground, doused it in gasoline, set it on fire piece by piece by piece, and then she roasted marshmallows over it. _

_It all started this morning when I got into school. Nathan, Hale, and I went our separate ways, as usual, and Miley wasn't at my locker...again. She was almost late to class...again. Then at lunch, she completely ignored me to go sit with Jake and flaunt her new boyfriend all over the place, leaving her best friend in the dust to watch on like some poor little kid who she hung out with just because she didn't have anyone else. _

_Later on today, I called her to see if she wanted to hang out, but she didn't answer. I called her again to see if maybe she just didn't get to the phone in time, but she ignored the call again. _

_It was as if I didn't matter. As if now that Jake was here, she had no need for little old me anymore because she never really needed me in the first place. I just don't matter to her anymore, I guess. I mean, I always knew that she and Jake would get back together and that she might be wrapped up in him for a bit, but it's been 3 weeks. I mean, seriously? It takes that long to get over that new couple thing? _

_Maybe I'm over reacting, but I just don't feel like I am. She's ignoring me, spending all her time with Jake the Fantastic, because heaven forbid she spend some of her time with the person that held her hand when she went in for surgery or hugged her when she cried because she lost her mother. _

_Gosh I sound bitter._

_But I just can't help it. It's really all too cliché for me to handle. The best friend gets a boyfriend and the main character is left alone in the dust._

_There's when movies separate themselves from real life. That's when writers screw up when they're trying to make things realistic and easy to relate to._

_In the movies,the best friend realizes what she's doing to hurt the main character and stops, finding the perfect balance between romance and friendship, but still putting the main character first because of what they've been through together, letting the movie end in perfect blissful happiness and a happily ever after._

_In real life, the main character is forgotten about. She doesn't matter so much anymore now that her best friend has someone else._

_The truth is, real life sucks. It's not all happy and perfect like it is in those Disney movies. Life doesn't turn out the way you want it to, and you get left in the dust by your best friend. You get your trust thrown out the window. In the end, people leave you. And they always will. They move on and they find someone else to talk to about everything. They use you until they get a boyfriend, and then you're gone. The will have no need for you. They don't care if you get hurt or if you really need them. They'll just be gone in a second, and there is nothing that you can do about it._

_That's what the movies don't cover because just like me, they're scared of popping someone's bubble of perfection and ignorance. _

_But what about the people who don't have that bubble anymore?_

_Don't they deserve something more than just that?_

_Even if they do, they'll never get that. Because the movie industry has too much to lose by popping bubbles. _

_-Lilly_

I was pulled from my intent reading by the ringing of my discarded cell phone that lay on the bed. I switched my gaze from the phone, to the journal, to the phone, to the journal, and finally sighed. I stood up from my chair and picked up my phone, pressing talk just in time.

"Hello?" I asked, pretending I didn't know who it was.

"Hey babe!" Jake's voice floated through the phone. I forced a smile into my voice, remembering just how much me being with Jake had hurt Lilly. I just didn't know if I could talk to him right now.

"Hey Jake."

"How are you holding up?" he inquired softly.

"I'm...doing better. It's always hard though." I answered, choosing my words carefully.

"Oh. Well thats good! Do you want to go out tonight, see a movie or something?" he suggested hopefully. The two of us hadn't been out since heaven knows when.

"I'd really like to Jake, but I just can't right now. My dad is having me do all sorts of house work."

"Oh." he said, completely dejected.

"I'm sorry. Maybe tomorrow?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I should head out now." I said softly, glad that he wasn't sitting before me.

"Okay. I love you."

"Love you too. Bye."

And I hung up the phone, heaving a long sigh. I wanted to be with Jake, I really did, but finding out that I hurt my best friend that much, that she felt she couldn't tell me about this, that I may be the reason she took her life away, that I was so wrapped up in my own self that I didn't even realize that Lilly was falling, it was all too much for me to handle, to keep hidden. So I turned from the once more forgotten phone and slumped down into my chair, falling back into the journal that had single-handedly consumed me.

...

_**There it is. I hope you enjoyed it! **_

_**Review, loves?**_

_**-Lani**_


	7. Hold Me Now

_**Hiya, guys! Thank you so much to all of you who reviewed last chapter. I know that I don't always make it known, but each and every one of your reviews, short or long, makes my day. It really makes me feel like I'm not spending so much time on something that isn't really making people think, which I hope this is! I do have one thing that I would ask of you, and that is, that if anything in any of my chapters really stands out to you, let me know! Or if there's something you think might fit with the story, tell me, and I might try to fit it in. The thing is, this story doesn't write itself, and I love it when people make a comment about even a little thing that I did. So just let me know! Thanks again for all your wonderful reviews. This one's for you!**_

_**And just one little thing, I'm sorry it's so short! This was more of a lead in chapter for the next one. So yeah. Sorry!**_

_**Once again, thank you to my Beta. She's AMAZING!!**_

_**Disclaimer: I only own the characters you've never heard of, unless I say otherwise, the plot, and the writing. **_

_**...**_

**Chapter 7- Hold Me Now**

_March 10_

_Journal-_

_-sigh- Today pretty much sucked. Then again, when do the days not?_

_Boy does that sound cynical._

_I guess that I'm just so tired of all these people around me, of harboring secrets from people that I don't want to harbor secrets from. I mean, do they deserve that? Am I making a mistake? Is me protecting Miley from all this really what I should be doing? Is anyone else going through the same things that I am going through? Am I even making sense?_

_I just don't want to have to deal with any of it. I want to try and run away, to find something that makes me...that makes me happy. I want someone to tell all of this to without fear of judgment. I need that. But I just don't have it. _

_I'd elaborate, but I really don't want to right now. _

_Maybe tomorrow._

_-Lilly_

_March 11_

_Journal-_

_I've cooled off a bit since yesterday, so let me tell you whats on my mind, eh?_

_Yesterday, Miley called me, sobbing her eyes out. I went over to her house, only to have her sob on my shoulder about a million things that I just didn't understand. After holding her through her tears, wiping her cheeks, making her up a mug of hot chocolate, she was finally down to sniffles. _

"_Now," I began, looking at her bright red eyes, "mind telling me what that was all about?"_

"_I guess I just snapped. Jake and I got into a fight about how it doesn't feel like he really cares about ME, just that I was always hard for him to get. Then there's just all of this pressure while being famous, feeling like I can never make a mistake, that I have to always be a perfect little girl that everyone can look up to. My grades are slipping, my dad flipped about that. And...and today marks 5 years since my mom died." she confessed, welling up with tears once more. _

_I had pulled her in for a hug, but to be honest, (and I know this is going to sound terrible) I didn't feel anything for her. I felt no sympathy, no heart ache, no feeling of dread. I just sat there on the couch, hugging her, and felt nothing. Nothing for my supposed best friend. Not a thing._

"_Well Miles," I said after we had pulled apart, "I guess what this comes down to is you just have to breathe. Honestly, I can see it in Jake's eyes every time he looks at you that he loves you, he really does care for you. You're just afraid of getting hurt by him again, and you'll have to let go of that._

"_As for the being famous thing, your fans and the press just have to know that you're just a teenage girl who happened to make it in the world. You'll make mistakes, and you'll learn from them, just like me, just like any other teenager out there. You even sang so yourself. Nobody's perfect, and they can't expect anything more from you. _

"_And your grades, well you'll just have to try a little bit harder. What it comes down to is that you're stressing yourself out way too much, Miley. Just sit back and listen in class, take notes, study a little more before your tests, ask for help when you need it. Your grades will be back where they were in no time." _

_She looked at me and nodded, and I took a deep breath._

"_Your mom's death is nothing that you can change, no matter how hard I know that must be. You just can't remember that bad time of her dying, remember when she wasn't dead, when she wasn't dying, that happiness that she brought to you, the person she was. You just can't dwell on the bad that happened, Miles, because that's not what your mom would have wanted." _

_Miley bowed her head and wiped another tear from her cheek._

"_I know." she murmured._

_I knew that Miley had been affected by what I had said, but the thing is, I wasn't. Nothing I said held any feeling, at least not on my side. I just said what I knew she needed to hear. And as I gave her one last hug and pecked her cheek before leaving her house later on that day, I left being the same person I was when I entered, wondering not if Miley was okay, but instead wondering what I needed to grab at the store._

_I have to say, the only emotion I felt was jealousy. Miley knew that she could always turn to me, and the fact that she spilled all of that to me with no doubt that I would be able to help, it made me jealous that I didn't have that, and it also made me feel a little bad that I didn't return the favor. I wondered if what Miley truly needed to hear was that things could be worse, that at least she wasn't going through what I was going through._

_But, of course, I kept that to myself._

_-Lilly_

_March 15_

_Journal-_

_I got in a fight with Nathan today. _

_A fight. With Nathan. ME. _

_I honestly don't know how all those words can go together in one sentence, but they do. I don't know exactly how it started, but suddenly, he was yelling at me. _

"_Why do you do this, Lilly?" he screamed. I had whipped my face to look at him, tearing my gaze away from its glued spot to the window, waiting for my mother to return._

"_Why do I do what?" I snapped. He rolled his eyes._

"_Don't try to play dumb. This whole week you've been distant, blocking people out, not listening to me. Usually we talk extensively about how our days went before we go to bed, but all you've been saying is 'it was fine' or 'it was good'. You're not telling me anything these days, you're ignoring me. Honestly Lilly, you're pulling away from me, and I want to know why." he explained. I looked at him, my eyes meeting his. They were filled with passion, with concern, with anger, with stress._

"_I don't think thats any of your business." The words were out of my mouth before I had the chance to think about them. He stared at me._

"_Oh whatever Lilly. Don't even try that with me. We both know that this isn't about it 'not being my business'." he hissed, using air quotes around 'not being my business', "Something is__ going on, and I want to know what." he demanded. I glared at him for a long while, trying to figure out what I was going to say. To be perfectly honest, I knew that he was right, he always was. But I didn't want him to be right at the moment. _

"_Like you know me so well, Nathan. Face it, you don't know me at all. You can go around as much as you want to and pretend that this is about me, but the truth is, its about you."_

"_How the hell is this about me?" he yelled. _

"_You don't like that maybe I don't fall back on you as much as I used to. You liked it when I needed you for everything, but guess what Nate! I don't need you anymore! I don't need you or anybody else!"_

"_Well okay then Lilly! Then don't sleep in my room anymore. Don't call me when you need someone to talk to. Don't hang out with me, don't eat what I cook, don't come to me to cry on my shoulder, don't crawl into my bed at night when you wake up from a nightmare about mom and dad, don't rant to me about how much you're worried about mom, don't sit with me at lunch, don't ride with me to school or go a longer way just to run into me in the hallway so that you can hug me and make sure that I'm okay. If you don't need me anymore, Lils, then stop acting like you do." he spat, bringing me to unwanted tears. I furiously wiped them away._

"_Fine! But don't come to me either!" I shot back lamely. He let out a wry chuckle._

"_Oh don't you worry. The only person I go to is my sister, my best friend. But you are not my sister. You are some stuck up little brat that has somehow replaced the strong, independent girl that is my sister. Let me know when she comes back." he hissed, venom threaded through his every word. He turned from me, eyes blazing, and stalked up the stairs. Nate rushed into his room, slamming the door with all his strength, making the picture of us together on the wall rattle. I winced. His music was suddenly blasting throughout the house, but I knew that he was only doing it so that I couldn't hear him cry. _

_I myself was brought to tears, sobs shaking my whole body. Because like I said, Nathan is always right._

_-Lilly_

_March 16_

_Journal-_

_Why AM I doing this?_

_Last night, for the first time in two months, I slept in my own bed, feeling empty and cold. I cried myself to sleep, got ready for school by myself, drove there by myself, walked the halls by myself._

_Things have finally gotten worse. _

_Like Nate said, I'm pushing everyone I have held so close to me away. I'm building these walls around myself and shoving others away so that they can't break them down. I'm falling into myself, leaving everyone else out in the rain. Nathan has always been my other half, but now, for some reason, I am completely shoving him away from me and all this going on. I'm running from him, probably because I know he'll tell me something that I may not want to hear, but that I know I have to. He knows me that well._

_Not to mention the whole Miley thing. I'm not even hanging out with her much anymore. I'm wedging myself farther and farther into this place where no one can even touch me. I'm freezing myself in and freezing everyone else out. _

_So today, I sat on the edge of a pond with Hale by my side, him telling me everything wrong with the world, when I suddenly interrupt him._

"_Hale?" I ask. He turns to look at me, his electric blue eyes boring into mine. _

"_Yes?"_

"_What do you do when you realize that you're pushing everyone else away from you, even the ones you've held close to you for so long?"_

_He thinks for a moment._

"_I guess that sometimes, there's a reason for that." he answered. I looked up at him, confusion settling inside of me._

"_What do you mean?"_

"_I mean that when you start pushing people away, maybe your subconscious is trying to tell you something."_

"_And what would that be?" I questioned, suddenly intrigued. _

"_It probably has something to do with a future of getting hurt. Deep within themselves, they probably fear pain or something of the sort, so to protect themselves from that, they shove everyone away. They don't want even a chance of someone using information they disclose to be used against them, so they keep it to themselves, for how can someone hurt you when they know nothing about you?" he explained. I nodded. _

"_I guess so."_

_And he was right. _

_How can one hurt me when they don't even know me?_

_Answer is, they can't. _

_-Lilly _


	8. We Are Broken

_Okay guys. So, this took me a little longer then I had planned, but I had to be more...prepared to write it then the others. The updates will probably be coming at a slower pace, simply because the story is getting a bit more intense for me personally. So yeah. _

_Um, a big thanks, again, to my beta, for highly anticipating this update, yet still being so understanding. Thanks again, Millie! And also, a HUGE thank you to every single one of you who reviewed last chapter. I know that I don't really reply to reviews all that often, but I will try!! Thanks again guys. It really means a lot. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own HM. Anything else, is MINE._

...

**Chapter 8- We Are Broken**

_March 20_

_Journal-_

_It's been a couple days, and I wish that I could say that things are better, that Nathan and I have worked things out, that Miley and I are back on track, that things are finally working out. _

_But I wouldn't want to lie._

_You see, the thing is, everything just continues piling and piling up until I'm standing here, all of that overflowing and spreading inside of me, filling up my lungs, stealing my air and making it hard to breathe. I can't remember a night when I didn't fall asleep with tears running down my cheeks. I can't remember a morning that I didn't wake up feeling worse and worse. I can't remember the last time I laughed, the last time I smiled. I can't remember the last time I fell asleep with the presence of Nate ever present around me. I can't remember the last time things hurt this much. I can't remember the last time I couldn't crawl into bed with Nathan at night when I woke up, plagued by nightmares. I can't remember the last time I was this alone._

_Because in the end, when it all comes down to it, I'm alone in a sea of the world. As time passes me by, I'm still standing still. They say that time heals every wound, and yet all I feel is wound after wound forming day after day. I can't feel like things are getting better when they're not. _

_All I want is to be happy. Is that really so much to ask for?_

_-Lilly_

_March 21_

_Journal-_

_It hurts. I have this hole inside of me, this gaping space expanding in the middle of me, and no matter how hard I try...it just won't go away. I try and try to make things work, to just live instead of dwelling on this, but every day that I don't talk to Nathan, every day that I only have Hale, every day that I have to live with this ache and pain...the hole just gets bigger. I'm just losing my life entirely because the things that I've claimed as my life are slipping away, leaving me in the midst of this fog that no matter which direction I walk in, I can't see the end of. I can't see where the lines are or where I'm going. I can't see who is there beside me, if anyone. I can't eat anything, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate. My whole body and mind is focused on this pain that I feel, because right now, it's everything for me._

_It's the air I breathe, the red color behind my eye lids when I close them for another restless night. It's the shaking of my hands when I'm suddenly so cold. It's the fog enclosing me, it's the blanket of ice that is always wrapped around me. It's the part of me that was taken away, it's the part of me that stayed. It's the slow beat of my heart that is so quiet, it's almost gone. It's the tears that run down my face. It's the taunting of something better that is just out of reach. It's the confusion that constantly plagues my mind. It's the fact that no one is there. It's the darkness enclosing my every move. It's the strength diminishing. It's the sun that never really rises. It's the rain that hits the ground. It's the thought I can't quite grasp._

_This pain is more then just a hole in the depth of me._

_It is me, and I can't get away from that. _

_-Lilly_

_March 24_

_Journal- _

_Another empty day, I have to say._

_However, there was some good news to it. _

_Today, Nathan was upstairs in his room, blasting his music, with me downstairs at the kitchen table, doing homework, and wishing I was with him. _

_The house was silent besides the ever present tick-tocking of the large clock in the front hallway and the distant sound of my brother's music. The silence was deafening. It was crushing down on me, pushing down harder and harder and harder, stealing my right to breathe. It was clawing at my ear drums, pulsing through my veins, making my head spin around and around. My hands started shaking, so I stood up from the table to walk around a bit, hear the padding of my feet on the tile floors. But it wasn't enough. I needed to hear more sound. I tried the TV, but it was too artificial, too unreal. _

_In a last moment of desperation, I slipped on a pair of black flats with my jean shorts and black t-shirt, and left the house, slamming the door behind me. I just needed to get out of there. _

_The laughs and voices of small children filled my ears as I neared the small park near to where I lived. I entered the playground and smiled at a young girl sliding on the slide. She smiled an innocent smile back at me, bright green eyes shining. Her red hair glowed in the warm sunlight, and her pink dress ruffled slightly with the breeze. She waved, and I waved back before heading over to the swings, taking one of the empty swings and beginning to push myself back and forth, forward, then back._

_I have to say that I can't remember the last time that I had swung on a swing, especially at a small park like this one. As I kicked my legs forward and back, I went higher and higher, faster and faster, feeling the wind whip in my face and push around my free hair. I closed my eyes and held the sensation of flight, and I momentarily thought that maybe, just maybe, I could simply fly away from it all, that I could jump off of the swing as it flew in the air, and just fly. I wouldn't fall like I already had down on Earth. I could jump and fly, defy all the laws of gravity, and not have to worry about being forced downward every time I tried to stand back up. I would simply fly away from everything. _

_I was mildly aware of the tears running down my face as I realized that that would never happen. I couldn't just fly away, I couldn't defy gravity. I had to stay down here and get pushed and pushed until it got to the point where I couldn't stand any longer. _

_The swing slowed as my legs stopped pumping. I didn't want to get so close to anything else simply to have it taken from me. _

"_Are you otay?" A young girl's voice inquired. I opened my eyes only to find the small girl from before sitting on the swing next to me. I nodded my head, because I knew that I didn't trust my voice just yet. Her small hand reached out and wiped my tears, and I smiled slightly. She beamed back._

"_Thank you." I whispered. She nodded._

"_You're welcome. __That's __what my mommy always does when I fall down and get and owie. Did you gets an owie?" she questioned in her innocent voice, her naïve voice. _

"_Yeah, kind of."_

"_Do you want me to kiss it all better? I mean, I'm sure dat it wouldn't be as good as when my mommy __does it, cause she gots da magic touch, but I could twy." _

"_I don't know if a kiss would do much for my owie, sweetie." I whispered to her. A look of confusion crossed her face._

"_But it always makes _me _feew better." I sighed._

"_How about we see if it gets better, and then if it doesn't, you can try kissing it, okay?"_

"_Okay!" The girl was silent for a moment before looking up at me, "I'm Sophie, by the way. What's your name?"_

"_My name is Lilly."_

"_Thats a very pwetty name. I like it lots." she complimented. I beamed._

"_Why thank you. I like your name a lot, too."_

"_Thank you vewy much." _

"_You're welcome."_

"_Hey," she began a few moments later, "can you help me? I haven't weally learned how to push by myself yet." _

"_Sure I can." I told her, standing from my swing to stand beside hers. "Are you ready?"_

"_Yeah!" she exclaimed._

"_Okay!" I said, pulling back on the plastic-covered metal chains tying her swing to the swing set. _

_And then I let go. _

_She flew ahead of me, swinging high in the air and shrieking with delight. I pushed her again when she came back to me, then again and again, until suddenly, she spoke._

"_I don't need you to push me anymore. I can do the rest all by myself!" she stated proudly. I smiled._

"_Well, alrighty then."_

_And she did._

_Sophie swung all by herself for a while longer, laughing and smiling, until her mom called to her, telling her she had to go. I slowly stopped her swing, and she hopped off. She walked up to me, and I bent down to be her height. She quickly pecked my cheek and smiled._

"_That was your kiss to make your owie feew bettow." she informed. I beamed, feeling the warmth of the small kiss spread throughout me, the first warmth I'd felt in a long time. _

"_Thank you, Sophie."_

"_You're welcome!" she exclaimed. "Bye Lilly!"_

"_Bye!" I called with a wave, watching her skip off to her mother, grasp her hand, wave one last time, and turn to walk away. My eyes followed her until they could not anymore, wishing that she didn't have to go. I heaved a sigh before heading home myself, figuring that I couldn't avoid it forever. _

_Before I stepped inside the house, I quickly grabbed the mail and began rifling through it. I kicked my shoes off upon entering and started on the path to the kitchen when a letter caught my eye._

_A letter from a rehabilitation facility._

_I dropped the rest of the letters to the ground and tore open that one letter, eyes filling with tears as they skimmed the letter. It read:_

To the family of Ms. Jullian Truscott,

On the day of February 24, Ms. Truscott checked herself in to our rehabilitation facility for recovery from alcohol and drug addiction. We placed her on a 30-day recovery program, however, on this day, we see that she needs more time then that. Upon receiving knowledge from her that you knew not her whereabouts, we have taken it in to our own hands to inform you of this information.

Please take note that she is doing better with each day, and is missing each one of you dearly. If you would like, she is going to be available for visitation on April the 1st, if you would like to come see her. We believe that she will have made much progress by then, and hope to see you then. Please contact us using the information provided if you have any questions.

Your friend at the Malibu Recovery Center,

Malcom Witts

_I couldn't help myself. I fell down onto the ground in a state of shock. I had no idea that my mother would check herself into rehab, let alone stick with it. She was stubborn, and I never thought she'd do well in rehab. However, I was glad that she was getting help. _

_I picked myself up off the ground and set the letter on the kitchen counter. _

_The rest of the night was nothing. Simply more silence, more pain, and more desperation. _

_And it hurts to know that even after I sleep tonight, it isn't going to get any better. _

_March 26_

_Journal-_

_It happened._

_Today, I finally broke._

_I just couldn't understand it anymore. The pain of it all just kept pounding and pounding at my chest, making breathing so much harder. It was bone crushing._

_Let's start from the beginning._

_With nothing else to do on this awful Saturday, I decided to go through some of my old things that I had in small boxes on my closet shelves. I took them down from their spots and set them on the ground of my room, sitting down next to them. I took a deep breath before opening up the first box._

_This was nothing more then baby photos and hand prints, scribbles that I had done when I was a very small child. There were pictures of me being held by virtually every person in my family, of me crawling, of my smiling. There was a photo of me on my first birthday, chocolate cake smothering my face. There was a picture of me on the first day of kindergarten, looking scared of leaving my house for the first time on my own. There were multiple shots of Oliver and me, playing in the sandbox, sharing cookies, running around in the backyard. There was me scribbling away with Oliver's 64 pack of Crayolas. There was picture after picture of all the things I didn't really remember, but felt I should anyway. _

_The second box was more recent things. Papers and report cards with 'A's glittering the tops of them. Awards and prizes from school years past. There were less photos in here then in the first, but I also noticed that in this box, every photo was of Nathan and me. Us hugging, walking, dancing, pushing, exploring. There was so many things that I missed about him, I simply can't put it into words. _

_I only noticed that I was crying when I saw that tear spots begin to delicately land on the photos. I closed this box and opened the last._

_This box, I could see, was a box that was made simply for Miley and me. Picture after picture of the two of us, memories crawling their way back to the front of my mind. There was discarded friendship rings, necklaces, and bracelets, different cards that she's made for me. There were memories seeping through every object in that box, some that I didn't want to remember because it hurt too much._

_By now, sobs were racking my whole body, with no one to hear them because no one was home. My hands shook, and my lungs cried out for air that I couldn't find. Tears were constantly shed, and I wanted to find something concrete. I couldn't find anything real at that moment. Painful memories of lost happiness swirled inside my head, and I didn't know what to do. _

_I slammed my back against the wall behind me, wanting everything to just leave, to get out of this suffocatingly small room._

_And suddenly, it happened. A small container that I had forgotten about fell into my lap after it had tumbled from its spot on a shelf above my head. My shaking hands opened the box, my breathing halting when I saw what was inside._

_Small pieces of glass were held inside, sharp objects that I had forgotten about. I remember the day I had gotten them. There had been a bad storm here a while back, the wind being so bad that it flipped a treasured glass table that we had had outside on our deck in the back yard. Wanting to keep a memory of that table and all the history held with it, I had collected a small number of shards that had spread out on the deck. I kept them safe and hidden in this small container, intent on keeping those memories._

_Now they held a different meaning to me. I could ease this pain inside me, the burden on my shoulders, the hole in my chest. I could make that all go away with just a tiny motion. _

_I gently picked up a single shard of glass from the container, a sharp one with a slight point on on end. I laid it in my palm, looking at it intently. I really could take all this away. I really could._

_And I did. _

_I picked up the glass between my index finger and my thumb and pressed the cool point to the skin on my upper leg. My senses were on high as I slowly pulled the sharp edge across my skin, drawing a small line of blood._

_And suddenly, it stopped. _

_There was no emotional pain anymore, no hole in my chest, no spinning head. I could breathe, for the only pain I felt was a physical pain, a pain that I could control. All I wanted was that hole inside of me to leave, and it did. I cut that one spot on my skin over and over again, seeing more blood and more blood and feeling it helping. It cooled my mind and made me feel whole. It was finally something there, something I could turn to. I bled bright red and watched it leak down the side of my thigh. I watched it fall down, run down, mix with the tears dropping from my eyes. I watched as it healed, as it grew deeper with every draw of my hand. I felt it bleed, felt it help. I felt it working like nothing else I'd tried before._

_Because I only felt this physical pain if I wanted to._ I controlled it.

_As I sat here, all alone in my room, I felt more alive then I had in months. I felt stable and on the ground instead of falling down, down, down. I felt free. I knew everything contained in this room. I felt like I actually had something there for me, because even if I was in a room full of people, I never felt that safe, that alive, that real, that welcomed._

_Then again, I guess you know things are bad when you can stand in a room full of people, and still feel alone, yet sit in your closed off room by yourself, continually drawing blood, and not feel alone at all._

_-Lilly_

Miley closed her eyes from the page before her, feeling her heart beat heavily in her chest. She cried and cried, the words in pen on the page smudging slightly from the new, wet tears falling just where the now dry ones had oh so long ago.


	9. Could It Be Out of Line?

**Chapter 9- Could it be Out of Line?**

_April 4_

_Journal-_

_It's been a week or so, but nothing has stopped. If anything, more has begun._

_I still turn to cutting when things get bad. When my heart hurts so much I can barely breathe, it relieves the weight that has settled on top of me, and I can breathe again. It clouds my mind to a point in which I don't have to think or feel anything except for that. When I look at Nathan, and I feel tears sting my eyes, cutting is there to help me when nothing else is. It's everything to me that nothing else is. _

_But lately...lately I've thought more and more about just ending it. Completely._

_No longer would I have to worry about what would happen if I just pressed a bit harder upon my exposed skin. I wouldn't have to worry about hiding it anymore. I wouldn't have to worry about getting blood on the carpet. I wouldn't have to be conscious of my every move, just in case someone were to catch a glimpse of the collection of scars and healing wounds decorating my arms and legs. _

_More importantly, I wouldn't have to worry about losing the people I love the most. I wouldn't have to worry about the pain constricting my chest, wrapping around me, pulling out everything I have. I wouldn't have to feel the tears daily sting at my eyes. I wouldn't have to worry about being forgotten, about what I say as to not upset Miley. I wouldn't have to think about the pain that awaits me everyday when I get out of bed. I wouldn't have to worry about screwing everything up. I wouldn't have to think about what else is going to hurt me that day, about what else might happen, about who else will leave me. The pain clouding my vision, tearing at my heart, pushing unwanted tears from my eyes will no longer matter, because once your dead...you can't lose anyone else. _

_-Lilly_

_April 5_

_Journal-_

_I spent the day like any other. Going through the motions, trying my best to be numb to all these feeling raging inside of me. When Oliver suggested that him, Miley, and I hang out today, I rejected him and told him I already had plans. Which, wasn't exactly a lie. I knew that, even though it wasn't spoken aloud, Hale would come pick me up at 4:17 sharp, and the two of us would sit together and talk like we always did on Fridays. Well, mostly he would talk, and I would listen. Oliver had sighed. No matter how much I had tried to deny it, I knew why, too. It was because of the weeks that have passed, a distance growing between us, a wall that has been continually built in the gap. He didn't want it there, and I couldn't decide if I did or not. It sure made things a bit easier for me._

_Like I knew, Hale showed up at 4:17, I got in his car, and we drove. _

_At around 6, he stopped the car at some open aired space, we got out, and we sat on the hood of his car. He looked at me._

"_You seem different." he commented. I shrugged._

"_What do you mean?"_

"_I don't know. It just seems like...like maybe you're starting to have first-hand experiences to what we've been talking about for the past months. I guess it just feels like you're not simply listening to what I'm saying and pretending to understand. You are understanding now." he told me. I sighed._

"_Well Hale, maybe, just maybe, I am."_

"_It's about time." he said with a slight smile on his face._

"_And what the hell is that supposed to mean?" I asked. Hale laughed._

"_All I'm saying is that a few weeks ago, you seemed a bit more naïve than you are now. Now, you seem like you get it." _

"_I don't know how to take that." _

"_Take it like a compliment." he stated. I slightly shook my head. _

"_Whatever. I've already accepted that I will never understand you."_

"_I'll take that." he whispered. _

_A silence passed between us for a short while before he finally spoke again. He always did. Hale hates the silence._

"_What are you thinking about?"_

"_I'm thinking about the stars. How no matter what's going on down here on Earth, they're always there. They always come out at night. I'm thinking about how no one knows what they truly are. Sure scientists say that they are just burning balls of fire, but I know they're more than that. They have to be. If they were just big balls of burning gas, then they wouldn't offer so much hope of something that could at least be constant in a world that's always changing." I offered, "What about you?"_

"_I'm wondering how I got to where I am now. I mean, a few months ago I was just an invisible guy that no one knew. I was just that one guy that knew everyone, but everyone didn't know me. I was thinking about how I was nothing in this great world that tumbles and turns, I was only trying to figure it out. I was on the outside of everything instead of being a part of something. I was the true definition of invisible." _

"_I don't think that's the only way one could be invisible." I commented before I could stop myself. _

"_And by that you mean...?"_

"_I don't know. I guess that I just think that even if you are a part of something, sometimes you aren't exactly a part of it. That sometimes, the people who are supposed to know you the best, don't even know you at all. And when that happens, you're just as invisible as the guy who no one knows. In the end, both souls are never seen." I explained. Hale glanced down at me._

"_Who are you and what have you done with the Lilly Truscott I met so many months ago?"_

"_Oh, whatever." I muttered, and settled back in to silence while Hale continued to speak._

_-Lilly_

_April 7_

_Journal-_

_What is life?_

_I mean, truly, what is it?_

_Is it the air around us, the sun, the moon, the stars? Is it the rain? Is it belonging somewhere? Is it simply breathing? Is it learning? Is it making something out of yourself? Is it doing everything you ever wanted to do? Is it following the rules, is it breaking them? Is it having fun? Is it knowing? Is it going to school every day? Is it being free? Is it finding out where you're going? _

_Honestly, I have no idea. I don't know what it means to live, so why am I still here? Why not just end it?_

_To me, living is feeling. It's making every single day last. It's living every day as if it is your last. And yet, I'm not doing that._

_At the moment, it's as if I've stopped living, but I'm breathing anyway, when I shouldn't. Why should I keep myself here, going through the motions, never knowing who I am, always slowly taking pieces of myself away, always slowly losing myself? Why should I keep this up, when there are people who try so hard to live? _

_I don't even really deserve it, do I? _

_No, I don't. _

_So why do I keep myself here, when I could so easily just leave?_

_-Lilly_


	10. Bitter Taste

_Okay. So it has been waaaay long, and I greatly apologize for that. I've had major writer's block. However, a big thank you is due to _**No Ifs Ands or Maybes **_not only for being my beta, but also for introducing me to the peppermint trick to getting rid of pesky writer's block. Thanks to her, I'm able to write!! : D Thanks, Millie!!_

_I hope you all enjoy it!_

_Disclaimer: I do not own Hannah Montana or any related characters. I own: Hale, Nathan, Julie Truscott, and Michael Truscott. _

_......................................................................................................................._

**Chapter 10- Bitter Taste**

_April 10_

_Journal-_

_My mom came home today. After weeks of her absence hanging in every space of the house, the door opened, and she walked in with divorce papers in one hand, a bag in the other, her eyes tired, her face holding inside of it a difference that I couldn't quite put my finger on. _

_I leaned against the stair banister, my eyes never leaving her as she dropped everything in her hands and shut the door. In her worn out white sneakers, she took cautious steps toward me. Her usually gorgeous blonde hair was pulled out of her face in a messy ponytail, stringy and unhealthy. She finally reached me and pulled me into a tentative hug, trying her best to break through the obvious barrier between us. I hugged her back, only because I had to. I could smell the stench of a hospital on her loose grey sweatshirt that she had paired with old skinny jeans, even though the air was hot and humid outside. _

_She reluctantly let me go, but led me into the living room where she sat me down on the couch._

"_Why didn't you come visit me?" she choked out. Mom never was one to beat around the bush. Then again, neither was I._

"_I didn't want to see you." I answered honestly. I watched as her eyes filled with tears. I should have felt something. Some sort of guilt or pain or loss, but I didn't. I didn't feel a thing. _

_A silence settled around us as she soaked in my brutality. The distant sound of Nathan's music floated in the air, pairing awkwardly with the ticking of the clock and Mom's ragged breathing. I bit my lip._

"_Why not?" she finally asked. I stood._

"_Because you shouldn't have had to be there in the first place." I hissed through clenched teeth before turning on my heel and walking away._

_There was so much more I wanted to say to her. I wanted to scream at her that she should have been _here_, being a mother. I wanted to tell her that she should have been _here_ because if she had been, then maybe I wouldn't be in the situation that I was in. I wanted to scream in her face every time she'd ever hurt me, every time she had been passed out on the couch, every time she left me. I wanted to yell at her until I couldn't yell anymore, yell at her everything she should have known already. _

_But I didn't because she didn't deserve that much emotion._

_Instead, I found myself in front of Nathan's door, knocking for the first time in weeks. Thankfully, he opened it, tired eyes staring back at me, shining with something I couldn't recall ever seeing before._

"_Yes?" _

_I wanted so badly to hug him right there, to tell him just how much I'd missed him, to tell him I loved him and that he was the best brother I could have ever hoped for. I wanted to tell him everything, wanted him to hold me in his arms and tell me that everything would be okay, just like he used to. I wanted us to be okay again._

_But, of course, I didn't say or do any of that._

"_Mom's home." I whispered, because I couldn't say anything else. He cocked his head to the side._

"_Oh really? Is she drugged up? Drunk? Pregnant with some scum's baby?" he spat. I was slightly taken aback by the venom in his voice. I bit my lip._

"_No. She's been in rehab for the past few months. We got a letter. I thought you saw it."_

"_I did. I just never had enough faith in her to believe that she'd stay clean." _

"_Well, I guess we won't know that until later, now will we?" I commented. He shrugged._

"_Guess not."_

_The two of us stood in his doorway, music blasting in our ears, for a few more moments before I decided that I needed to say something._

"_Hey, Nate?" _

"_Yeah?"_

"_I'm back." I whispered, connecting my eyes directly with his. A small smile that I hadn't seen in weeks crept up onto his face, and he pulled me into his arms, a warm embrace I had been missing for much too long. I buried my face in his shoulder, breathing in his crisp scent that made me feel like things might get better. Tears slipped out of my eyes right as I felt his falling on my hair. He kissed the top of my head before pulling away. Nathan stepped back into his room, and I followed._

_When I saw that his room was just the way I left it, I was more grateful than ever. I needed that, needed that one constant thing. It made me feel as though maybe not everything was changing as much as I thought. Music was still floating in the air, pictures still decorated the walls. Junk still littered the ground, notebooks and books flung randomly on his dresser and desk. A copy of his favorite book, _Catcher In the Rye_, rested on his perfectly unmade bed. _

_The only thing that was different was the medium sized TV, satellite, and DVD player sitting on a stand across from his bed. I sent him a look._

"_You bought a TV and DVD player?" I questioned. He shrugged._

"_I got bored."_

"_And you took the satellite out of mom and dad's room?"_

"_I didn't think she'd need it any time soon." he reasoned. I nodded and smiled._

"_I'm really glad we could work things out, Nate." I said, because we didn't need words to be okay. We didn't a long talk about everything that had happened to get us to the point we were in these past weeks to be able to be exactly right we were before it happened. We didn't need words to say sorry. We never have._

"_Me too, Lils. Me too."_

_I plopped myself onto his bed, and he sat next to me._

"_So, Lilly."_

"_So, Nathan."_

"_What have you been up to over these weeks?" he inquired curiously. I froze. I didn't want to lie to Nathan, but there was no way I was going to tell him about..well, about everything I'd been feeling and doing. I settled for telling most of the truth, at least._

"_I'm not going to lie, I've been real lonely. Most of the time I spent in my room trying to figure things out. Without you around...I didn't really have much of anyone to talk to about anything. It was hard, but I was alright, don't worry. Things got confusing, between Mom being gone and Dad being gone and us not talking and everything you said to me...I had a lot of thinking to do, and that was really tough for me. Basically, they sucked._

"_Other than that, nothing really happened. Miley and I hung out a bit, and I hung out with Hale, too, obviously. But I didn't really do much, so you didn't miss anything. What about you, Nate?" I explained. He shrugged._

"_I thought...a lot. Not as much as you, but a bit. I um...I talked to Hale every once in a while, just to see how you were holding up. I hope you don't mind." he answered. I shook my head._

"_Not at all."_

"_Okay. I...I almost visited Mom once. I drove all the way to her rehab, and almost let myself get out of the car...until I realized what I was doing. I know you're going to tell me that it's okay to visit her, but I'm going to stop you before you say it. It's not okay. For those months, she shouldn't have had to be in rehab. She should have been clean, should have been home taking care of us. We shouldn't have had to watch out the window at night and wonder when she was coming home, when we'd finally have a parent around. And even now that she's here...she can't take back what she did. We can't pretend like nothing happened, and I don't even feel like I do have a parent here. I don't even feel like she's my mom anymore." Nathan revealed. He looked up at me, trying to gage my reaction. I nodded._

"_Don't worry, big bro. I feel the same way." I whispered to him, letting him know that he needn't feel bad about the way he was feeling. We had a right to feel that way. No one can just forgive their mother after she abandons them for 2 and a half months with not even a father to watch over them. _

_For the rest of the night, Nate and I watched movie after movie, ignoring the rest of the world for as long as we could. We didn't think about Mom or Dad, we didn't think about the divorce. I didn't think about cutting or anything else I'd been feeling for the past few weeks. Because none if it mattered. All that mattered was me and Nate, here, at that very moment, finally okay. _

_-Lilly_

_April 12_

_Journal-_

_My mom tried to talk to me today. I don't think she's too excited to try again, after what happened this time, and honestly, I couldn't care less. What I said to her might not have been the most respectful thing to say to my mother, but I guess I'll start giving her respect once she earns it. _

_My mom and I were at the dinner table. She insisted that both Nate and I were there, but he wouldn't do it, vehemently refused to do so. When she asked him, he said 'no', and then he left. Just like that. He hasn't come back yet, either. So it was just me and her. Awkward, let me tell you. My plan was to eat, then get the hell out of there, but she had other plans._

"_What did your brother leave, Lils?" she inquired. I resisted the urge to tell her not to call me that. _

"_Maybe he didn't want to spend time with his crack addict of a mother." I mumbled under my breath._

"_What did you just say?"_

_I set my fork down on my plate, spaghetti long forgotten._

"_I said: maybe he didn't want to spend time with his crack addict of a mother." I answered, clear enough for her to hear. Do I feel guilty about that now? Maybe a little. But I can't say she didn't deserve it._

"_Okay, you two kids just need to understand that I am your mother, and you need to respect me." she demanded, looking me with tired eyes. I scoffed._

"_Oh really? So now you decide to be our mother? After months of leaving us to fend for ourselves, you up and decide to come back and be our mother? Guess what _Mom_?" I spat, "It doesn't work that way."_

"_Don't blame me because your dad left us!" she yelled._

"_I'm not blaming you because he left! I'm blaming you because _you_ left. You. Left. Right when Nathan and I needed you the very most, you left us alone to get drunk and high and end up in rehab! But did you tell us any of that? Did you tell us where you were? No! You didn't! You let the letter from the Malibu Rehabilitation Center tell us instead of telling us yourself!" I screamed at her with everything I had. She may not have deserved that much emotion from me, she may not have even deserved me screaming at her, but I couldn't hold it in anymore. I just couldn't do it. It hurt much too much._

"_That doesn't change the fact that I am your mother." she choked out weakly. I remember laughing with such spite that I can't even believe it._

"_Yes it does! Because when I began losing my best friend, I wanted my mother. When Nathan and I got into a huge fight, I wanted my mother. When I missed dad more than I can explain in words, I wanted my mother. When my heart was broken, I wanted my mother." I sighed. "No, I didn't want her. I _needed_ her. I needed my mother more times over the past 2 months than I could ever tell you. But she wasn't here. And now? Now I can't ever get her back. No matter how much you will ever want to, no matter how much I want you to, you can't take back those months. You left us. You left your children, and you lost them. They're gone now, we're gone now." I could see tears streaming down her face, and I could feel them on my own._

"_I'm sorry, Lil. I am so sorry." she sobbed. I let out a watery laugh._

"_It's too late for apologies."_

"_If there's one thing I learned in rehab, it's that it's never too late for apologies." she told me hopefully. I shook my head, and I realized that I wish with all my heart that that was true. I wish I could forgive her for what she did to all of us, I wish I could forgive my dad, I wish I could forgive Miley, I wish I could forgive myself, forgive this world, but I can't. I can't do it. _

"_Yes, it is. You should've been here. You shouldn't have left us for alcohol, for drugs. I shouldn't have had to clean up your broken bottles and spilled Vodka every morning. I'm a teenager. Teenagers don't wake up to the stench of alcohol, don't cover up their mother with blankets as a routine in the morning as they find her passed out on the couch, yet again. They don't have to move her every once in a while because she passes out on the floor or at the kitchen table with a bottle in her hand. Teenagers don't take care of mothers. Mothers take care of teenagers, especially right after they lose their father." I whispered. My voice was strained, but I didn't cry anymore. Not for her. She tried to take my hand then, but I pulled it away. Her dull blue eyes filled with a fresh set of tears. I avoided them, instead focusing on her unkempt, stringy blonde hair._

"_And I have to live with that, every single day of my life from here on out. But I'm trying, Lilly. I'm really really trying."_

"_You should have thought about that before you broke my heart. You should have thought about that before you left." _

_I left her there then, not looking back. _

_Now I'm waiting here for Nate. Thinking back on what happened earlier, I don't know if I made the right choice or not. All I know is that she had to know what she did to me, she had to. In came that time where I really just had to tell her how much she hurt me. _

_She truly did break my heart, you know. My own mother broke my heart. How sad is that? _

_-Lilly_

_April 12_

_Journal-_

_Nathan came back a little bit ago. I could tell he had been crying, but neither one of us talked about it. He just sat next to me and looked at me. I had pulled him into my arms, letting _him_ cry on _my_ shoulder for once. As I look at him now, I feel sort of guilty. _

_I...I cut again while I waited for him to come back. I wish I hadn't, but I can't sit here and honestly say that it didn't help, didn't make me feel better. _

_How lame is that? That I have to use self-mutilation to make this aching thud in my chest go away? I can't even talk about things anymore. I can barely feel, let alone think about it and talk to someone. I just want everything to be okay so badly...and yet it's all falling apart over and over again. Every time I think it's being fixed, it falls apart again. It's all spinning away from me, twisting, turning, running away, and it's all I can do to attempt to stop it, to attempt to make it come back to me. I guess I try and do that by cutting. It helps, as much as I wish it didn't. _

_I'm going to get some sleep. It's the only place I can go to get away._

_-Lilly_


End file.
